What can wash away my sins?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
What can make me whole again?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
The song continues for eternity.
I cringe.
try to stop my ears
try to keep the words from entering.
try to keep my subconscious clear
implied messages
broken
sin
dirty
unwhole
unholy
female
feMALE
but the messages are already there
drilled in by patriarchy
and
my southern Baptist Upbringing
excuse me
my Independent Baptist Upbringing
What can wash away my sins?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
What can make me whole again?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
I can’t sing this song.
My desire to repair my relationship with Father God remains
but
I can’t sing this song.
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
Blood of Jesus
in a cup
His body,
the bread
I want to partake
I want this ritual
I tell myself I’ll make it my own
secretly whisper
pagan words
May you never hunger.
May you never thirst.
May you always know pleasure.
but there is no chocolate
just coffee
and I’m holding the cracker and juice
conflicted
so
I pray
Mother/Father/God
please
the only coherent thoughts
but
I want them to
give me communion
as my sisters did
Quickly–
put the cracker in
hearing
May you always be satiated
by the fullest expression of life:
vibrancy
there is a smile in this
many voiced Voice
he/she/it is humoring me
Now
the blood
I mean juice
and I want to turn it back
into water
harmless
innocent
clean
the Voice(s) speaks
I freeze
afraid to swallow
These waters ARE my blood.
Your blood.
HEAL. she/he/it commands.
images of Earth
waters flowing
moon flow
menstruation
mother’s blood
life blood
Christ’s blood
in my mouth.
HEAL.
Swallow.
Release.
Heal this chasm between yourself and Father God.
Heal your wounds from Patriarchy.
Heal your relationship with your Earthly father, Dad.
Heal yourself.
Heal your blood, your hatred of your female body.
Heal with your blood, your feminine, your feMALE.
Heal with Christ’s blood, accept his offering.
Heal the world.
I swallow
this blood/juice/wine/water/rain/tears
this prayer in a cup
this acceptance and commitment and salvation
rolled into one
I return my blood to the Earth
Anoint your feet
with my blood
wash your fatigue
with my blood
cleanse your world weary brow
with my blood
Reach between my legs and
sip the nectar of
the Female Divine
residing in me
with my blood
I’ll heal the world
with my blood
I’ll remember my wholeness
and
that I AM.
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