Deciding what to drink is always a big decision. Not because of cravings, cost or home ice situation – because of the hangover associated with each type of alcoholic beverage. The following is a guide, in no particular order, of the effects of different boozes:
- Red wine – I don’t drink white wine because I am not a sissy, but I love red wine. The drinking of red wine is a fine balance – too little and there is no increase in fun, too much and the next day is hell. The worst part of the red wine hangover is the headache. I have heard from wine snobs that expensive wine does not make the headache as bad, but my father always told me never to spend more than five dollars on a bottle of wine, so I guess I will never test that theory. The increase in stomach acid is a problem, but you won’t care because you want to treat your headache with a guillotine. Odd side effect: black poop.
- Beer – The only side effect of the beer hangover is gastrointestinal. However, the one punishment for overindulging on beer is dramatic and forceful – the dreaded beer poos (the “BP’s”). Warning: Draft beer will increase your toot quotient astronomically. When Rebbe would drink draft Killian’s all night at R.P. McMurphy’s you could actually see his toots they were so gross. Also, you will stink of a brewery the next day, so shower thoroughly.
- Rum – Oh, my dark mistress. Rum will really getcha because it’s made from sugar (more on this later). The headache and gastrointestinal effects are mild to average. The overall body ache will make you want to live your life in an iron lung. Greasy food may make you feel better for a while but the only cure for this feeling is Gatorade, sleep and prayer. Also, you will reek of alcohol the next day so use every bath product you own and spray on the smelly goods.
- Vodka and Gin – severe headache, mild to average body ache, little gastrointestinal damage. You will also reek of booze, so clean and apply a masking scent accordingly. Body ache, aka the feeling you have been run over by a truck, will increase based upon the sugar intake. If it is a flavored vodka or drank with a sugary substance, beware. I do not know the science behind this phenomenon but have tested it enough times personally to know it is true. It is best to drink diet drinks with any hard alcohol – from diet soda to lite cranberry juice, this concept has been tested and proven to help. Warning: because of its ridiculously high sugar content sweet tea flavored vodka will kill you. You will actually pray for death, or at least a lasting comatose condition. Limit yourself to 2 cocktails at the most with this stuff – it’s TNT.
- Whiskey, Bourbon, Scotch – I actually run and cower in fear from these substances because of the brutal hangover. I do not know if this is universal, but I feel as if I have a devil inside me the next day using a bellows in my intestines, causing strange and loud stomach noises all day. A whiskey hangover can last up to twenty-four hours. Twenty four hours it may be best you wear a diaper. Finally, you will smell like booze so bad it doesn’t really matter if you shower in battery acid.
- Tequila – what am I, eighteen? I learned my lesson with that one. Drink at your own risk.
- Mixing alcohol – the effects of this really depend on how crazy you actually go. Beer drinking and a few shots is tolerable the next day. However liquor, shots, wine and beer is not a good idea unless you plan to spend the next day in a coffin wearing a colostomy bag. Many people go by the old adage – beer before liquor, never sicker; liquor before beer, never fear. I have found this is true for the most part as long as you don’t have a ridiculous amount of either. However, please note: DO NOT FUCK AROUND WITH WINE. Do not ever ever ever switch to wine after drinking liquor. You will throw up and it will not be pretty. A final note on Jaeger bombs, or “flu shots” to my Springfield friends – this concoction in excess will create the world’s worst smelling dumps of all time.
I have given you the keys to the kingdom. Now go forth and use this knowledge. Earn this.
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